(Now. This is a few months old, but a throwback never hurt anyone. It also plays a key role in my story)
Transparency. Transparency is a scary word, but it’s something I am trying to achieve. As a twenty year old female trying to make a mark in the music business, you are taught not to show all of your cards. Transparency does not mix well with business. As a twenty year old singer songwriter who is an engaged to be married Christian, transparency is hard to achieve. The music world is hard enough to break into, add in convictions, and a husband, your chances are getting slimmer. Your marketability is drastically decreased. My family and close friends are scrutinizing my decision to get married and believe I am throwing my chances of being a successful singer away. So I ask myself “what is most important here?”
I have dreamt of becoming a singer since I was four years old. I sang my first solo at church at the age of four, and knew that’s what my calling was at a very young age. I think over the years my call has been distorted. I never dreamed of becoming rich, I never dreamed of becoming famous, (although I long to be driving back to my farm listening to my own song blaring on the radio) and I never dreamed of not having a husband. In fact, a teacher asked me in 11th grade before class one day,” If you had to choose between getting married or “being famous” which would you choose.” I replied that I would get married. He proceeded to ask me if I had to choose between having kids or “being famous” which would I choose, and I replied that I would rather “be famous”. I knew any point I could stop and decide to have children. I want children, and I want a lot of them, but I know I have things I need to accomplish before I can consider being fully responsible for the upbringing of another life. I chose that I would rather be married because Gods timing is flawless, and this is exactly what I mean.
Dating is supposed to be a trial run for marriage. Period. That is my personal belief. I didn’t want to date around. I didn’t want to get attached just to have my heart broken. I never wanted to date just for fun. I took dating seriously. I also knew that dating someone for more than two or three years would be nearly impossible for me if I was going to remain a virgin on my wedding day. (yay for transparency) . Everyone has different struggles, and everyone has different convictions. This is my story. I am not perfect, I have screwed up, I have done things with my body I should not have, but I am forgiven, and I want to be a virgin on my wedding day.
In April of 2013, I met my fiancé at a Chic-fil-a opening in my hometown of Portsmouth, Va. Now he lived/lives four hours away in Asheboro, NC. His old homeschooling group liked to travel to attend these openings, and I understand why now =They are a blast! AND you get over 300 bucks worth of chicken for camping out with your friends. Anyways back to the story, Standing at 6’6, wearing cookie monster pajama pants, you can say Michael caught my eye. I’m not going to go into our whole story, but we ended up having a conversation with another guy until 3 a.m. the next morning. That other guy asked both Michael and I what we wanted to do with our lives. Michael, in those cookie monster pajama pants looked up at him and said “I don’t really know, I just wanna serve the Lord”. I went home and told my mom” he existed”. I didn’t mean that I knew he was my future husband, I didn’t mean I loved him, and I didn’t mean I even liked him, but that boy gave me hope before I even knew what his last name was.
He found me on facebook, and we started talking. A couple weeks later we met up half way for our “first date”. I brought my two girlfriends a long (I had only met the guy once, he could be a serial killer) and we ended up doing ‘the wobble’ in the middle of a mall, and going home plastered in Carolina clay. We continued to talk. He would drive up to see me, stay in our camper over the weekend. I would go down there for the weekend and stay with his mom. Over the course of a year and a half, living 4 hours apart, we havn’t gone two weekends with out seeing each other.
I previously stated God’s timing is perfect. While we had been dating, I had been offered deals from Michael Jackson former manager, P!NKS first producer, and partners from General Mills and I mean crazy deals. 1.5 million dollar deals. I turned some down because they seemed too sketchy and too controlling, and some were messed up for me. I ended up not partnering with the people I had been working with and starting over on my own. I was praying that God would take my music stuff where He wanted it to be. My boyfriend and I had been getting serious about a future together and I gave that up to God too. I told Him whatever He wanted me to do I would do, and to show me what that was. Shortly after these intense conversations with my Heavenly Father, my music stuff fell through, and my boyfriend proposed.
“Why don’t you wait a few years?!?!” “You havn’t given music a chance!” “True love waits” “your so young!” “your stupid”.
Not the reaction I wanted from my family and friends. Naturally you are going to doubt your decision when those who love you aren’t supporting it. So I went back to God. I thought, God this is everything I have ever asked you for, You knew I wasn’t happy with my music so you gave me an opportunity to relax and start over, You knew exactly what I wanted in a husband, and you put him there in the same Chic-fil-a parking lot. Why is no one seeing this as a good thing? Then I thought about Noah. They all thought he was crazy too.
Music vs. Marriage and why I choose both.
God loves people. People are important to God. Not fame. Not money. My fiancé is a person, I love him. I love him more than trying to “be famous”.
My fiancé encourages me to sing, to do my best, to be smart, to pray about it, to take pride in it. He never once has ever tried to make me choose between him and my music career. He wants to support me in it, and he asks me what he can do to help.
God loves worship. I worship by singing. He wants me to use my voice for Him, not for my personal gain. The music business is a demanding field. It wants all of your time, all of your money, all of your heart, and will ask you to sell your body for attention, sing words that discourage, but at the same time it can be wonderful and power and beautiful thing if done properly. I believe Gods timing is perfect. He will provide me with the right opportunities, like He provided me with the most amazing person to share my life with. Why would I say “no thanks God, I know he is everything I have ever prayed about wanting in a husband, I know he is the right one but I am going to wait 2 or 3 more years so I can have a career because everyone says I cant have both.” I feel like that would be slapping God in the face. I feel like that is not having faith. I feel like that’s dishonoring my fiancé.(I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me) I am trying to be transparent, and I try to be a woman of integrity who has her priorities straight, but most of all I am trying to be girl completely in love with God and follow His will for my life, not my parents will, not my friends will, not my fiancés will, not my will but His be done.