It’s no question I am indecisive. When I redid my ‘Morgan Miller Music’ website on WordPress, it took me a solid 8 hours to decide what theme to use. Plus, I was determined to choose a free one, so my options were limited. After you graduate high school, your life choices are endless. It’s not a simple left or right. Your hardest decision is no longer “What dress should I wear to prom” Or “Should I break up with my boyfriend”. Some of us had much harder life choices to make. Some of us got pregnant, some of us had to watch our beloved family members die, some of us had to choose mom or dad, some of us were already making life long career choices. But, for a typical teen, our hard choices were decided for us. After graduation, our pencil we write our life stories with becomes a pen. There is no going back. There is only forward. We learn (maybe too early in life) that forward was the only option in the first place.
How to make major life decisions: My Options
The last two years of my life have been full of decisions. Both electrifying and terrifying. Very Vaguely here are a few: Do I get get married now? Do I elope? Do I call off the wedding? Do I move to North Carolina? Do I run away from home? Do I speak to my parents again? Do I call the wedding on again? Do I stay in North Carolina? Do I move to Tennessee? Most currently: Do we sell everything and travel the world? Do we buy house? Do we have babies now? When do we have babies? AND the one that has haunted me for years: Do I truly deep down want to be an artist? To what degree?
You see, my identity has been a singer. It’s who I am, It is my value. It is my purpose, my contribution to earth. Except when I accepted that it’s not, it rocked my world. We are blessed with choices. Choices are a gift. Sometimes it is wonderful, and sometimes it’s the hardest thing we will ever do. So how to we do it? I didn’t just wake up one day and decide it is time to stop. It has taken my 4 years to come to this conclusion to stop. Not to quit, but to stop. I believe God has a plan for each one of us. A divine plan that sometimes we alter, but He knows we do that. So He writes in pencil.
Social media had run my life. I wake up, I pull up Instagram. I check my numbers on Facebook and Instagram every time I had a second to breath. I took pictures to prove I had a life, a cool life, a good life. I stopped taking pictures to document my memories, but to prove I was doing something. It’s true, to be an artist these days, big and small, you have to have social media. It is your portfolio. It proves you can sell yourself. It proves people like you. I can’t live in a popularity contest any more. I deleted my apps, and it was like putting glasses on for the very first time. I had no idea how fuzzy life had become. I had no idea how obsessive I was, or how demeaning I had allowed myself to be to myself. I spent all day comparing myself to others instead of enjoying my own life. I decided enough is enough. It doesn’t feel that simple. It feels like you are rewiring your brain. It feels like a divorce- to separate yourself from your own identity. But, if it cheats you, beats you, abuses you, the moment you make the decision to escape, you know you made the right one. All the moments leading up to that final decision are hell because that is what you know, what you love, what used to be so perfect.
The best way to make life decisions, isn’t to make the one giant decision. It’s to make the tiny ones that eat away the image of the life you want. I would love to be an artist, to go on the road, to sing on stages in every state, to hear myself on the radio? But at what cost? Is it worth having to sell myself everyday? Is it worth the consummation? Is it worth leaving my husband every weekend? Is it worth taking up the entirety of my life? I can’t do it. I don’t want to anymore, you see, its not important. You write down what is important, and get rid of the things that block that for you. It does not fulfill me, or make me happy, or help my marriage or my self esteem, or my ability to help others. If there comes a day when it does. I will begin again, but for now, I’m doing what is best for me. I believe God wants that.
So, when do we have babies? Well, how does that change what we want out of life right now?
Do we sell everything to travel the world? What do we gain? What do we lose? What is greater?
Do we buy a house? Will it hurt us or better us financially? What does it take away? What do we gain?
Do I go to college? Do I start musical theatre? Am I really an artist? Is this just a break? What do I gain? What do I lose?
Write down your questions. Answer them with questions. It may take time. It may take you resting, or making the time to stop and think. It may take longer a year.Stop asking yourself “What am I doing with my life? and start asking “What do I not want to do with my life?” Adjust according.
So. Pray about it, write about it, think about it, but at the end of the day: Live your life one day at at time.